When should commitment begin during the dating processAnnette writes:
Q: What I mean is that I don't limit myself to "one man" unless we're both considering marriage. I think the American way of dating is highly impractical. The point of dating is to get to know someone and see if they could be a potential life partner. The act of "committing" to one person not only limits your choices, it makes no sense because everyone breaks up in (dating) relationships except (in) one. Why not take out the middle man (committed dating) and save commitments for when they actually matter (in preparation for marriage). When I say I want to be free, I mean the freedom of being unattached to any brother until I think he is marriage material. If I think I could possibly marry the dude, then we can start talking about committed dating. Until then, they need to slow their roll. I'm not a ice cream flavor to be "taste-tested" before a purchase." I want a brother who already knows what his favorite flavor is--Me--and that's that. I won't settle for anything less. Being single without a significant other is not as bad as being single in a crappy relationship!
A:
Anette is from California. Thank you for your insight. IS SHE RIGHT?
Where did we get the idea that having a commitment before marriage is so important? Commit too soon and you could be stuck with somebody that you don't know very well. Or you could very well miss your Halle or Morris (God's best). Many Christians rush into a commitment. Our sistahs are especially susceptible to this because they want security. They want that feeling of warmth and comfort. They want to be covered by and connected to a man. Sometimes it seems any man will do as long as he has just a little Jesus in him.
Exclusively upgrading your dating status before you can clearly judge whether or not the other person has what it takes to to be a great spiritual partner is dangerous. By spiritual I'm not talking about church attendance alone (which is a great indicator by the way). Trust me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to be committed to someone that is NOT a good match for you spiritually. If your gift of speaking in unknown tongues is looked down upon, if giving God a tenth of your salary is foreign to them, if giving God praise during tough times is met with negativity, you may certainly desire to be free from that person and be joined to someone who is where you are in the Lord.
So when should commitment actually begin? Lets be real. In the beginning, we focus on how the other person makes us feel, how cute they are, what a good person they are, etc. All good stuff, just not spiritual stuff. Commit to soon and you'll risk being
joined to the wrong person for you. You risk joining a person you don't know enough about. Especially considering that many of us often lack first hand knowledge of the persons' level of spirituality in the beginning. We think she is spiritual because she prays, but she can regularly be found cursing someone out of the same mouth that praises our God.The things that matter spiritually should be apparent during the dating process. You get the chance to observe the other person's life with friends and family. Watch how they respond during stressful times, joyful times and their attitudes about money, and children are good indicators to look for. Get to know their thoughts about fornication and abstinence. When using the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, all of this and more can be discovered about a date without an exclusive commitment. In fact, the closer you get to the person your dating, the more you feel for them, the tougher it is to clearly discern the "core agreements" that are needed to have a successful marriage.
Yes I said the "M" word marriage. See that is what this is all about, first being marriage material yourself; then discovering that same qualities in the person your dating. Christians seem look to commitment as the litmus test for discovering the potential compatibility with someone you date. The truth is that ever person you will ever date will end up in a break - up, with the exception of one; the person you marry for a lifetime. Commitment, however, seems to pacify the fears of leary saints. Fears of being cheated on and fears of loving and not being loved in return.
My problem with these commitments is that they esteem your date's attributes as too important, when God and His principles are supposed to be the highest, and greatest thing. Many Christians simply do not know enough about the spiritual character of the people we date. In fact, most of us trust so deeply when entering into a commitment with someone that, in effect, the trust becomes like an offering of faith. Faith in anyone but God is sin. We need to see evidence from everyone but God before giving our trust.
Let me stop screwing around with this and tell you the real.(Lord help me) A great indication of your connection with the person you date is that they, on their own, no longer have the desire to go out with someone else. They feel this way because you interest them, they like you, they enjoy your company, your always on their mind, not because you manipulate them, "corner" them, or give them the ol' commitment ultimatum. They spend time with you out of their own free will and desire, and that is the way you should want it. Think about it, that is how God treats us. God doesn't even ask us to enter into relationship with Him, before you get a chance to know Him, and His glorious ways. Doesn't He say "hey, come to church, I wrote a little something for you that I want you to read. Keep hanging out with me and get to know me, I got some great news for you. Guess what I love you, and I loved you before you were born...." You get my drift, the point is that we want people to love us on purpose, because of who we are, just as God does.
I can hear some of you now saying, " So what am I supposed to do, meet somebody, then jump straight into getting married and then get to know them afterwards ...I'm not God!" Unequivocally, NO! Next time we are going to talk about that and how to trust God more than you trust your date. Check me out again in part two of the article we will talk about the myths surrounding "when should commitments begin?"
-James
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