Real talk. Quality time IS essential for dating Christians. This is where the search for compatibility is done. Most people would agree that people hold back some of who they are, making the search for compatibility tougher. This is one reason why society prescribes exclusive dating, or boyfriends & girlfriends as a system to learn, love, and discover the truth in the people we date. In theory, you are supposed to date one another exclusively, and meet each others family, and loved ones. The hope is that somewhere in the process of doing this, that a person will drop their guard long enough for you to see their true self. We are supposed to use these moments of clarity to choose whether or not we have compatibility or not. For the person who is living their lives for the Lord, there are a couple of major problems with this approach:Intimacy. Intimacy is great, it's a gift from God. Some mild forms of it are even necessary when dating. The problem with intimacy and exclusive dating is that men often become aroused in intimacy with women, and women on the other hand begin to feel secure in intimacy with men. Ya'll stop me when i'm lying. So you take a women that is feeling all warm and secure, and a man that is aroused, and then you add the dynamic of "your my boyfriend" and what we get is what we see in the church today; men and women exploring sex in all it's forms before marriage.
Timing. Another problem with exclusive dating is that many people dating this way in the church discover that the person they dated, sometimes for years, is not going to be their spouse. Now here is the thing, during the time a woman is a man's boyfriend, she doesn't know that man is NOT her husband, but God does. So being the good and righteous God that he is, he sends good men, Godly men your way. Now the woman calls it bad timing, because she has a boyfriend. We can only imagine God's perspective as he tried to bless her, but she was unavailable.
"We all know that in every case but one, exclusive dating concludes with a break - up" ,the exception of course being marriage. Seeing that marriage is what dating Christians ultimately seek, why not make marriage the centerpiece of dating, without all the ties? In the Bible, exclusivity before marriage was granted with a price. When Jacob told Laban that he wanted to marry his daughter Rachel, they agreed on a price before she was set-aside for him. Today, with our boyfriend and girlfriend culture, exclusivity costs nothing and is given freely therefore it means next to nothing, especially to men. It is Biblical for a man to collect his savings, buy a diamond and offer it to a woman as a sacrifice and a promise to marry her. No matter what our society says, the Bible does NOT support the process of women setting themselves aside exclusively before a sacrificial offering has been made. Imagine Jacob asking Laban to marry Rachel without a sacrificial demonstration of his love. Jacob worked 7 years for the hand of Rachel. How much are you worth?-James is the host of FindingMorris.com, an online singles ministry radio program that is available 24/7
The next live taping is Saturday January 31st, 2009
3 comments:
You make some pretty interesting statements in this article. I have to agree that in the dating arena (exclusivity) today should not be viewed as something you do for the time being. Often times I encounter friends of mines and yes, even myself that have been involved with guys that we are not compatible with and for some reason in our mind we want to believe that the person we are exclusively dating will wake up and become the man of your dreams. Not realizing that (like you stated in the article) he was just not the guy God had for us… Now, I do believe that sometimes depending on your maturity level you need to go through certain experiences with the opposite sex to identify what you are looking for in a mate.
I feel that when you are dating or courting in the church-there is more pressure put on you to be in an exclusive relationship verses just casually dating and trying to identify the right mate. Most people will say that you are trying to be a “Player” or whatever and most of the time that is not the case. Also, you have to deal with the drama from the people you may encounter in the same setting so you have to be careful if you are just casually dating in the church and make sure you are being honest with all parties involved so there want be any miscommunication on what role they will play in your life.
I think exclusiveness become complicated when you have no direction and when it is based on titles. When you are in the process of finding out if you and the person you are dating is compatible work needs to be involved…Spending a lot time together and then spending some time alone to see how that person reacts to you not being with them all the time. My key thing in a relationship is balance. Stop letting other people dictate where you should be with a person. Go at your own pace and make sure that during this duration that you guys are communicating how you feel about moving forward-don’t just assume that the other person is on the same page with you-make your thoughts known and respond honestly and take their responses in consideration. Seven years was a long time for Jacob to work, but Labon’s daughter in his sight was worth it and I think I am worth the job that any potential mate is willing to put forth the effort to prove their love for me!
That I think that a lot of times people forget that they are building a lifelong friendship with someone as they would a best friend. Your mate for life should be your very best friend before they are anything else and it seems that people want to skip building the friendship between two people (especially Christians) and start thinking husband and wife. I too have been quick to skip this part, but because I’m divorced I see the value in it.
I also see the value in being healed, happy and whole before entering into a “dating” relationship. But the word dating often puts stress on relationships between men and women. The focus is the building of an established friendship, with God being the center of it and guiding it along. Maybe it will end up in marriage, maybe it won’t, but you will always have that person in your life and you will always cherish the relationship you’ve built. That’s all I wanted to say!
-T from the ATL (Local writer)
This was a powerful piece and definitely gives lots of food for thought. I believe that honesty will play a large part in lessening the amount of people who get hurt along the way as we date. You're right when you say all relationships end up in break ups except for one. I've discussed this in my online group, what exactly is it that men are looking for. I might add that I'm married and what my husband was looking for may not be what other men are seeking. What do you (men) tell women who want to inquire? My advice is always to let God lead, otherwise you're becoming what a "man" wants you to be instead of what God expects. When you are what God expects the man he has for you will find you.
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