The Perfect Man

The Perfect Man
I recently posted the following question on Facebook:
“Single women::: The guy is perfect, everything you are looking for in every way, but one. He's not interested in serious dating. He doesn't want to court you. He is however, genuinely interested in you and wants to take you out. Would you go out with him? If so, how long would you date him?”
I was surprised by the responses we received from some of the women that follow us on Facebook. Even more interesting, the men who are often mute on most subjects, seemed to have a lot to say on the issue. I wondered why until I spoke offline to many of them. They warned women of the dangers connected to dating a man that is non-committed to getting married to you. (Listen to this episode at FM39)

"When a woman fills her heart with a uncommitted man and then has sex with him, God see’s her as married."

In full disclosure, the question is really not about "the perfect man" at all. It's about what a woman is willing to receive from a man. Even though a woman can go out with whomever she pleases, she should do so with guidance from the Holy Spirit and paying attention to all of the natural evidence. God knows your hearts desire. But when you allow your emotions to fill your heart with "Mr. I’m not ready,” you shut out the greater blessing that God is trying to give you. Time is one of the most precious gifts you own. And giving away your gift to a man that is not where you are on the "ready to be married" continuum, doesn't work. He may have Christ like character and all the qualities you want, but even the tight ab's of your dreams won’t matter if he is not ready to court you with the intention of marriage. Dating a man who is openly or secretly non-committed sets you up for being taken advantage of. The truth is, no matter how much you try to help or how much you give to a man, commitment has to be the man’s idea. Otherwise he’ll grow resentment for you and whatever you built without his leadership.

I know your cousin Lisa married a man that told her that he wasn't interested in marriage and now they are married and have a fly crib in Alpharetta (an ATL suburb). Did cousin Lisa also tell you that his double mindedness caused her periods of hell on earth dealing with his flip-flopping between her and another woman? Truth is, the uncommitted man rarely changes his ways. And if he does, it is usually not for your benefit. How unstable is a double-minded man? The Bible says, in all of his ways (James 1:8).

Real Talk. The majority of men, in their natural minds, see dating as necessary for sex and NOT the precursor to a joy-filled lifelong marriage. For them, sex is the main reason for wanting the company of a woman. When a woman fills her heart with a uncommitted man and then has sex with him, God see’s her as married. And that’s without the ring, the dress and the ceremony. Don’t gamble away the best years of your life on the hopes that one day your perfect man will change his mind. Keep it moving. Make him pay the price to have you. You should be so expensive to him that he can only afford one of you. Believe me, if you’re the one he wants he’ll do whatever it takes that is legal or moral to make you his own. And it won’t take a bunch of years to do it.

James is the Host / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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12 tips for Christian dating, Part Two

From the book: GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Dr.’s Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Remember to keep your self accountable to Godly people when dating. This list blessed me when I was dating. When I didn't have my brothers, who gave me Godly council to keep my accountable at midnight, I would look it over. Email us and I'll send you the entire thing. Check it out:

4. DATING ACCORDING TO A FEW NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUES.

You will be less likely to stay in a relationship that is bad for you if you before you date have a clear idea of what values you want to guide your life. People can be pretty subtle about their dark sides. So have a set of values that inform your dating decisions. Those values should act as an alarm system when someone you are dating violates them.


5. EXPAND YOUR TASTE.

Be open to going out with people whom you would normally not have on your list. Date to learn. Date to have fun. Date to have meaningful interactions with human beings. Look at each situation as a chance to get to know a person and find out something about you.



6. BE YOURSELF, FROM THE BEGINNING.

Pretending to be someone you aren’t rules out the possibility of real intimacy. Differences are exciting and part of what a real relationship is about. Sparks and chemistry come not only from where you are alike and already connected but also from where you are different. Differences create space between people where longing and desire can develop. There is a desire to join and enjoy what you do not possess. You are enlarged by the other person.


7. DON’T PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR, AND SET GOOD BOUNDARIES.

Many people put up with a lot of disrespect in dating and then wonder why they are in a problem relationship. Remember, you will get what you tolerate. If you see patterns that you do not want to be there, deal with them early. If the person you are dating stops the negative behavior, you come out ahead. If they don’t like being confronted and goes away, you still come out ahead. Both results are good for you. You cannot loose.


8. TAKE YOUR TIME

Don’t move into a relationship too quickly. Take the time to get to know a person in different situations; get to know his or her friends, values, family, faith everything you can know about someone. You have to make sure that you are not just indulging your hormones or fantasies when you open the door of your heart and get serious with someone. Take the time to make sure you know a person well before getting into a serious or exclusive dating relationship. If the other person has a problem with that, see it as a warning sign. It may point to a need to control or be dependent.

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• James from FindingMorris.com • Attn: BLOG • P.O. box 18351 • Atlanta, GA 30316
• 404-567-5752

12 tips for Christian dating, Part One

From the book: GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Dr.’s Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Remember to keep your self accountable to Godly people when dating. If your cousin Lisa is asking you out to "ESSO" (ATL club) and needs to drop by the weed spot on the way, you may not want to get her counsel about your dating situation. This list blessed me when I was dating. When I didn't have my brothers to keep my accountable at midnight, I would look it over. Email us and I'll send you the entire thing. Check it out:

9. STAY CONNECTED

Don’t date in isolation. Integrate the person you are dating into your community of friends. Allow your friends to be your spiritual family and depend on them for input. By staying connected to a community, you will ensure that your deepest needs will be met, you will get support and accountability, and from that strong base you will make better decisions.



10. GET ACTIVE

God provides as you seek him, but he also wants us to be doing our part of getting into life and being in the real world.


Here are a few ways you could begin to meet more people:

· network with family and friends. · Pursue the things you enjoy.

· join others who have the same need. · use your gift of hospitality.

· do something structured.



11. LOOK IN THE MIRROR

If you are taking steps to meet new people and no one is showing interest in you, ask yourself why. Maybe there is something about your personality, or behavior, or the way you come across to others that you are not aware of that is getting in the way. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to make someone to whom others would be attracted? What do I need to learn about myself that might be keeping me stuck?” Find some friends who will be honest with you and give you feed back. Maybe there is a real problem that you can work on, and you may find some good things happening.



12. KEEP YOURSELF PURE

Do not set yourself up by being promiscuous, even in a more serious relationship. You will have no idea what is truly going on and will not know what part of sex is playing in making it all work. Then later, when there is all the pressure of commitment, conflict, children and the like, you might find that there was a shaky foundation from the beginning.

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• FindingMorris.com • Attn: BLOG • P.O. box 18351 • Atlanta, GA 30316
• 404-567-5752
  

Are you truly single?

All the Single Ladies (Reposted from Nikki's Blog) "All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! Now put your hands up!" Don’t front. You ain’t so saved that you haven’t heard that Beyonce song. My goodness, is it me or is it everywhere? Man, I even thought I heard it in a ‘Feed the Hungry’ commercial, LOL. And don’t play, some of you started dancing the moment you saw the lyrics (smile). It’s all good though. All the praise dancers holla at your girl for lessons in the foyer after church, LOL. Y'all ain't ready! Okay, jokes aside, today I wanted to pose a question to all my single folk. And don’t start fidgeting with your pencil either. This is a simple one (smile). Here it is: Are you truly single? I ask this question because in my observations, it almost seems as if some are so afraid of being alone that they would rather settle for a bastardized version of love than wait on God. It’s crazy. I’ve never in all my life encountered so many who are single with conditions. And you know what’s even crazier? Most don’t even know their not single. Check it out: "Anytime you keep someone on reserve as your unspoken plan B, you’re not single. Anytime you waste time with someone you know in your heart is not God’s best for your life, you’re not single." Anytime you continue to lay hands on yourself, thereby cheating on your future spouse, guess what? You’re not single. Real talk, if God can’t trust you with your own hand, how can He trust you in a marriage? Hello somebody! And I know it may seem coarse, but I need you to get this. God needs you to get this. It’s time out for the “all by myself” blues. It’s time out for acting as if love doesn’t love you. What benefit can be gathered from lamenting over yesterday? And understand, I’m not trying to be dismissive. Hurt is real. And we’ve ALL experienced it. Yet at the end of the day you have to make up in your mind that you’ve simply had enough. You have to make a decision to do things differently. Today I want to challenge you to let last year be the last year. The last year for fruitless relationships. The last year for unresolved heart hurt. The last year for it all. And don’t get it twisted, in speaking to you I speak to me too. See, the reality of my life is that I too needed to get some things in order. And I know I speak of marriage a lot but I make no apologies. I understand my call. And because I understand it, I have no problem allowing God to use me as an example. Why? Simple. For great is my reward. Yours too! Know that for every hurt, every tear, and every heartache, your joy will be greater. Yeah, this is the season of great manifestations. And God has a love for you that is so beautiful, so joyous, and so pure, it’s just plain old ridiculous (smile). In fact, don’t be surprised if you find you have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming. Hmmm, play your cards right and you may find yourself pinching your spouse to show them that their not dreaming, lol. And all of the church said, "Ahhhmennnnnnnnnnn! To you on the other side of this screen, know that I love you with the love of Christ. I really do. I love you so much that I’m willing to tell you what is right and risk you being mad at me. See real love would rather see you uncomfortable in truth than complacent in a lie. And I speak these things because I want to see you blessed. In all areas. But here’s the thing: If you don’t get yours in this season, don’t blame God. No homey, this year it’s on you. The question is what will you do with it? Selah. So be encouraged. You’re going to make it. Your time of singleness is drawing to a close. Let us continue to allow God to form us that all will be in order when He comes. Love you still, Nikki Washington, CEO www.glowmagazineonline.com Subscribe to the FM newsletter and get more great Christian stories like this

Exclusive dating-How much are you worth?

Real talk. Quality time IS essential for dating Christians. This is where the search for compatibility is done. Most people would agree that people hold back some of who they are, making the search for compatibility tougher. This is one reason why society prescribes exclusive dating, or boyfriends & girlfriends as a system to learn, love, and discover the truth in the people we date. In theory, you are supposed to date one another exclusively, and meet each others family, and loved ones. The hope is that somewhere in the process of doing this, that a person will drop their guard long enough for you to see their true self. We are supposed to use these moments of clarity to choose whether or not we have compatibility or not. For the person who is living their lives for the Lord, there are a couple of major problems with this approach:

Intimacy. Intimacy is great, it's a gift from God. Some mild forms of it are even necessary when dating. The problem with intimacy and exclusive dating is that men often become aroused in intimacy with women, and women on the other hand begin to feel secure in intimacy with men. Ya'll stop me when i'm lying. So you take a women that is feeling all warm and secure, and a man that is aroused, and then you add the dynamic of "your my boyfriend" and what we get is what we see in the church today; men and women exploring sex in all it's forms before marriage.

Timing. Another problem with exclusive dating is that many people dating this way in the church discover that the person they dated, sometimes for years, is not going to be their spouse. Now here is the thing, during the time a woman is a man's boyfriend, she doesn't know that man is NOT her husband, but God does. So being the good and righteous God that he is, he sends good men, Godly men your way. Now the woman calls it bad timing, because she has a boyfriend. We can only imagine God's perspective as he tried to bless her, but she was unavailable.

"We all know that in every case but one, exclusive dating concludes with a break - up" ,the exception of course being marriage. Seeing that marriage is what dating Christians ultimately seek, why not make marriage the centerpiece of dating, without all the ties? In the Bible, exclusivity before marriage was granted with a price. When Jacob told Laban that he wanted to marry his daughter Rachel, they agreed on a price before she was set-aside for him. Today, with our boyfriend and girlfriend culture, exclusivity costs nothing and is given freely therefore it means next to nothing, especially to men. It is Biblical for a man to collect his savings, buy a diamond and offer it to a woman as a sacrifice and a promise to marry her. No matter what our society says, the Bible does NOT support the process of women setting themselves aside exclusively before a sacrificial offering has been made. Imagine Jacob asking Laban to marry Rachel without a sacrificial demonstration of his love. Jacob worked 7 years for the hand of Rachel. How much are you worth?

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com, an online singles ministry radio program that is available 24/7

The next live taping is Saturday January 31st, 2009