Your gifts not your list

The only person that can control is YOU! The best list you can male is about you and whom you need to be for the husband God has for you.
The right balance of looks spirituality and fun in a person can be too much to process and can take the joy out of the dating process. We all know on some level the kind of person we want, but where we often fall short is in our own preparation for our spouse. In the best marriages you will spend more time thinking of being the blessing than receiving a blessing. Serving them, not receiving from them.

What's more valuable then having a list of wants (especially for a woman) is having a list of your best gifts. Seeing these in writing will help you to clearly see where your best gifts should reside. You may date Johnny the accountant and learn that he is great with numbers and also needs to grow with his people skills. Just so happens that on YOUR LIST of gifts is people person. Johnny may be great in the kitchen but is often late and misses key appointments. On your list of gifts is planning.

"The point is your gifts shall make room for you, NOT your long list of things that you think he should have."

Your gifts should be the focus as one of your big responsibilities in marriage is to give to your spouse. Your gifts will make room in his mind, room in his heart, room in his wallet praise God :-). When your allow your gifts to bless a man it's hard for him not to reciprocate.

I say your list should be about what you give to your husband - to - be and then that list will help you to know and have peace about whom to choose. It will help you to clearly see the home for your best gifts to reside.

You can't control who approaches you for a date. You can however control your readiness so when the right one approaches you'll be confident and ready.

-James is the Host / Staff Writer for FindingMorris.com

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Christian dating panel VIDEO

Christian dating panel VIDEO

Yo let me tell you. Nikki Washington from GLOW magazine hosted this Christian Dating panel and my wife and I were so blessed to be there. We covered it all from STD's when dating, to sex, masturbation, and physical attributes. I'm sure you will enjoy this great discussion.

This video is in 3 parts and the total run time is (2:30) total

How do I change a booty call into a marriage?

Single women::: How do you transfer a booty call based interaction into a lifelong joy-filled marriage?

If a woman expects to have an actual man that is strong and loving without being lame or a punk, she must also agree that the terms of your interaction should be named by the man. In other words, it's a booty call if the man calls it a booty call. A woman can label it anything she wants to. Just keep in mind that God's first job for man was to name a thing. It's one of the things that He has called us to do.

No matter what you do, you cannot transform a booty call interaction into a joy-filled lifelong marriage, only he can. It's got to be his idea. You cannot lay the Vi-Jay-Jay down or rock his world well enough to change his mind for him. You cannot love his family enough, including his kids to change his mind about pursuing a relationship that will end in a great marriage. You cannot even go through a man's stomach with your famous baked chicken plate well enough to change his mind.

Let the changing of his mind come from God. Doing it this way brings honor to God and solidifies his mind in a more stable, concrete way. It's the only thing you can depend on.

James is the Host / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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FM38 - Premarital Sex

FM38 - Premarital Sex (34:38)
We may not know women, but men, we know! FindingMorris.com is all about the real talk about the real Christian walk of dating. Here is what the fellas speak to in this episode:

• Pre-Marital Sex: If you do it, have you screwed up your chances of finding your Morris?
• Why ratios of men to women don't matter.
• What divorced women know about men that single women miss.
• Why we DISAGREE on how long a woman should wait before having sex with the man she's dating.
• What makes a good brother?
• How men take advantage of insecure women.
• Why women bug-out on trying to avoid men on the DOWN LOW!?


We kept it real, so clear the kiddies out the room! )))

Free samples

Have you ever been to the food court at the mall? You see all of these fast-food places and restaurants all lined up selling every variety of food that most people would like. When you look closer there are always these people in uniform holding a little piece of chicken on a stick for you to sample. Have you ever watched men in this scenario? Men will eat the chicken on a stick, leave, and still go over to Burger King and buy a whole super size combo and the whole nine.

Now, I'm not saying that you are a piece of chicken. You are obviously more valuable than that. But truth be told, that is what men do with women too. They will sample your goods, and still keep it moving down to the next woman. So, when you understand how they think, you can make better choices regarding what you will and won't do in a relationship.

Now you're probably thinking-- at the mall everyone has chicken on a stick, and even though some people eat and run away, some do stay and buy the combo meal. How can I compete with all of that? Here's how.

" In God's plan you don't have to give "free samples" to get a man to be interested in marrying you. "

You don't have to stand out in the hall with your well seasoned chicken hanging off of a stick. All you have to do is:

1- Have a good name in the mall food court.
2- Actually have great food
3- Make your menu and your food appealing to the eye.

• Having a good name is about good Christian character, being polite, telling the truth, working hard, getting along with people, etc.
When people at your job, at church, at the gym or wherever see this kind of behavior in you, they will say great things when asked about you. Just like a restaurant with a good review, it's then that your good reputation will proceed you into every situation. In fact good people will be drawn to you.
• Having great food is a kin to having substance, actually being marriage material for the perspective man that is looking for you.
Trust me when I tell you that he is in fact looking for you right now. The question is whom will he find when he gets to you? Will you be ready for marriage?
Do you have your heart available for him, or does part of your heart still connected to some other guy?
Are you willing to sacrifice and share everything with this man? Your money, your thoughts? Your credit score? Your past?, yes the dude from spring break too! :-)
•Making your menu and food easy on the eye is also a key to countering the "free sample" women from crowding all of the men in the food court of your life. While the offers to get a free sample may be tempting, just like hearing about a great restaurant from a friend, a man's intention when showing up to the food court is to buy a combo from you, and only you. Men ask around about the women that they are interested in, and hearing great reviews about you really helps to help a man to "see" you as something he may want. If he has heard great things about you, and when meeting you for the first time your menu is great, and your presentation is tight, then you can count on a man buying what you have to offer.

"Free samples" lead to insecurity in your true position in a man's life. The right man will see what you have to offer, hear about your good name from other people, and just want to have you. He will want you even while standing in the middle of the food court full of people offering chicken on a stick standing all around him. He will see you as bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh and choose you over everyone else. Free samples can't offer you that. Making him wait 90 days before giving him a free sample can't offer you that either, only God's way can.

James is the host and a contributing writer for FindingMorris.com

Butterflies

Do those butterflies you feel with a person the key to making a relationship last forever? I used to think so until a mentor of mine shared how important it is for a man to find his wife, declare his love and then marry her. The conversation was perplexing to me at the time, mostly because I thought the butterflies or chemistry I felt was more important than how the man felt about me. As far as I was concerned, if I liked a guy everything would be fine. All I had to do was show my interest. But for some reason, that logic didn't seem to be working for me.
I needed to know how to weed out the life draining, unfaithful men, and receive God's best for me and my mentor took it upon himself to show me how.

"Before I allowed God to change my heart, I tended to gauge my interest in a guy by the level chemistry I felt when we were together. Rolled into that was height, weight, education level and even what shade he was."

If you must know, I was a personal fan of the chocolate variety :-) I let myself be swooned by his swagger telling myself that we had real "chemistry." Never leaving too much room for him to run me down like Pepe Le Pew, I assumed that the man that I liked would somehow find his way to loving me forever. In some cases, a certain type of love was present, but not the kind that creates a joyful lifelong marriage.

Three years ago, I called my mentor and reminded him of how he blessed me by allowing me to see how a God fearing man loves his wife. He was always so attentive to her, providing not only a good life, but one that supported her spirit as well. You could tell they were real genuine friends. When I saw similar characteristics in my future husband, I was able to push pass my physical checklist and receive him into my life. You've heard it on the FindingMorris show. James wasn't my type at first. After all, he wasn't even chocolate. :-) But as I allowed him in, the chemistry I swore could never be found was there in abundance. And that "chemistry" grew out of the biggest thing that we had in common--God. I understand when single women say that without chemistry a relationship can't work. Hey, I used to be that woman. I challenge you to dig a little deeper and let the chemistry you expect to feel early on to develop on it's own. Consider a man that you wouldn't normally go for and let him demonstrate the love he has to give. Allow him to share his heart, his life and his love for the things that make you, you. That's what I did. Over time, James felt special to me and the moment he first kissed me I knew that he loved me deeper than I could imagine. In fact, the emotion was so great that I cried. Opening myself up and accepting a man based on his Godly ways really blessed me, and God will do the same for you too. God changed my heart and I'm better for it. Embrace the notion that you are the princess in the relationship, let a Godly man love you, and the chemistry you can't seem to live without will eventually find you.

Kanika is a writer, and Producer for FindingMorris.com

12 tips for Christian dating, Part One

From the book: GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Dr.’s Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Remember to keep your self accountable to Godly people when dating. If your cousin Lisa is asking you out to "ESSO" (ATL club) and needs to drop by the weed spot on the way, you may not want to get her counsel about your dating situation. This list blessed me when I was dating. When I didn't have my brothers to keep my accountable at midnight, I would look it over. Email us and I'll send you the entire thing. Check it out:

9. STAY CONNECTED

Don’t date in isolation. Integrate the person you are dating into your community of friends. Allow your friends to be your spiritual family and depend on them for input. By staying connected to a community, you will ensure that your deepest needs will be met, you will get support and accountability, and from that strong base you will make better decisions.



10. GET ACTIVE

God provides as you seek him, but he also wants us to be doing our part of getting into life and being in the real world.


Here are a few ways you could begin to meet more people:

· network with family and friends. · Pursue the things you enjoy.

· join others who have the same need. · use your gift of hospitality.

· do something structured.



11. LOOK IN THE MIRROR

If you are taking steps to meet new people and no one is showing interest in you, ask yourself why. Maybe there is something about your personality, or behavior, or the way you come across to others that you are not aware of that is getting in the way. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to make someone to whom others would be attracted? What do I need to learn about myself that might be keeping me stuck?” Find some friends who will be honest with you and give you feed back. Maybe there is a real problem that you can work on, and you may find some good things happening.



12. KEEP YOURSELF PURE

Do not set yourself up by being promiscuous, even in a more serious relationship. You will have no idea what is truly going on and will not know what part of sex is playing in making it all work. Then later, when there is all the pressure of commitment, conflict, children and the like, you might find that there was a shaky foundation from the beginning.

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The sex in 90 days game

Here is the 2nd most asked question at FindingMorris and rising fast: Will a man marry a woman after premarital sex? On a recent episode of Oprah, Steve Harvey compares having pre-marital sex with a man to the 90 day probationary period that is found in the corporate workplace. The theory is to make a man wait 90 days before having sex with him. I guess compared to God's plan of waiting until your married Steve's plan may seem like the better option. After all, Steve says 90 days gives a woman enough time to determined if a brother is easy to work with, if he works well with others, in other words if he's worthy.

The questions is worthy of what? Most women have pre-marital sex with men for many reasons:
To be loved
To be married
Because their horny
To get us to stay
Because if they don't, some other woman will
Because they are in love with us
and my favorite, because they think they are in a relationship with the guy

"But most men have pre-marital sex for one reason. Because their horny"

With men on one side, and women on the other side, each with different motives in all cases but one; what is a sistah to do? See the worthiness that Steve Harvey is talking about is NOT the same worthiness that God speaks of. God built us and knew us before we were knitted in the womb. He understands our nature better than anyone. God knows that if most men got the ...ahem..."benefits" before marriage, that he would have little interest in pursuing a covenant marriage with THAT women. Men that get benefits before marriage, are well fed, and don't get grief about it often become "parked cars" along the road to marriage.

Okay I know your girl Lisa "gave up the draws" and her boyfriend married her. Did Lisa tell you about the ultimatum she gave him that made him pop the question? Did she tell you that he married her because she got pregnant? Lisa may not have shared the facts that she was giving him money, paid his bills or that she organized his office. She certainly didn't share that she was secretly a "ride - or - die chick" for him that stayed around long enough to out last the other chicks that he was sleeping with.

I'm not saying that Lisa's boyfriend didn't love her, i'm saying that if the goal is to be married, then giving him a 90 day evaluation before having sex with him IS NOT going to help you determine if he is worthy of you or not. 90 days is just the latest common wisdom designed to distract you. I know that everyone is doing it that way, but God told us that His way would be the narrow, less traveled, sure pathway that leads us to righteousness. If the man you date says that he loves you, he can demonstrate that best by first honoring God by leading you into marriage before the bedroom.

James is a contributing writer and host of FindingMorris.com


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Are you truly single?

All the Single Ladies (Reposted from Nikki's Blog) "All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! Now put your hands up!" Don’t front. You ain’t so saved that you haven’t heard that Beyonce song. My goodness, is it me or is it everywhere? Man, I even thought I heard it in a ‘Feed the Hungry’ commercial, LOL. And don’t play, some of you started dancing the moment you saw the lyrics (smile). It’s all good though. All the praise dancers holla at your girl for lessons in the foyer after church, LOL. Y'all ain't ready! Okay, jokes aside, today I wanted to pose a question to all my single folk. And don’t start fidgeting with your pencil either. This is a simple one (smile). Here it is: Are you truly single? I ask this question because in my observations, it almost seems as if some are so afraid of being alone that they would rather settle for a bastardized version of love than wait on God. It’s crazy. I’ve never in all my life encountered so many who are single with conditions. And you know what’s even crazier? Most don’t even know their not single. Check it out: "Anytime you keep someone on reserve as your unspoken plan B, you’re not single. Anytime you waste time with someone you know in your heart is not God’s best for your life, you’re not single." Anytime you continue to lay hands on yourself, thereby cheating on your future spouse, guess what? You’re not single. Real talk, if God can’t trust you with your own hand, how can He trust you in a marriage? Hello somebody! And I know it may seem coarse, but I need you to get this. God needs you to get this. It’s time out for the “all by myself” blues. It’s time out for acting as if love doesn’t love you. What benefit can be gathered from lamenting over yesterday? And understand, I’m not trying to be dismissive. Hurt is real. And we’ve ALL experienced it. Yet at the end of the day you have to make up in your mind that you’ve simply had enough. You have to make a decision to do things differently. Today I want to challenge you to let last year be the last year. The last year for fruitless relationships. The last year for unresolved heart hurt. The last year for it all. And don’t get it twisted, in speaking to you I speak to me too. See, the reality of my life is that I too needed to get some things in order. And I know I speak of marriage a lot but I make no apologies. I understand my call. And because I understand it, I have no problem allowing God to use me as an example. Why? Simple. For great is my reward. Yours too! Know that for every hurt, every tear, and every heartache, your joy will be greater. Yeah, this is the season of great manifestations. And God has a love for you that is so beautiful, so joyous, and so pure, it’s just plain old ridiculous (smile). In fact, don’t be surprised if you find you have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming. Hmmm, play your cards right and you may find yourself pinching your spouse to show them that their not dreaming, lol. And all of the church said, "Ahhhmennnnnnnnnnn! To you on the other side of this screen, know that I love you with the love of Christ. I really do. I love you so much that I’m willing to tell you what is right and risk you being mad at me. See real love would rather see you uncomfortable in truth than complacent in a lie. And I speak these things because I want to see you blessed. In all areas. But here’s the thing: If you don’t get yours in this season, don’t blame God. No homey, this year it’s on you. The question is what will you do with it? Selah. So be encouraged. You’re going to make it. Your time of singleness is drawing to a close. Let us continue to allow God to form us that all will be in order when He comes. Love you still, Nikki Washington, CEO www.glowmagazineonline.com Subscribe to the FM newsletter and get more great Christian stories like this

FM35-3rd Annual Valentines Day Show

We have the answers to the questions that single women asked our panel of Christian single brothers. Listen now...

FM35-3rd_Annual_Valentines_Day_(29:00)
• Will you still marry me if we have premarital sex?
• With all the beautiful saved women around, why are you still single?
• Why do men look at other women when we are together?
• Why do men hide their true feelings from women?

Contact us if you have any questions, topics, comments for the show call us anonymously or put “your stuff on blast” at (404)567-5752

Finding Morris is brought to you by the FM faithful, listeners like you. If Finding Morris has been a blessing to you, consider donating to support the program and blog as we serve you. Click on the Donate button on the upper right hand side on the main page. Sow your support into good ground, FindingMorris.com

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Looking for a wife

Looking for a wife...
Hey all,
Ya'll know by now i'm recently married. My single male friends would love to know that there are so many well intention women of God around. You know what my friends find rare and precious when looking for a wife? A woman that is available, that is available emotionally, spiritually, and after marriage sexually. To my friends emotional availability looks like a woman with a sound mind, that is NOT emotionally connected to that guy from college or the ex-boyfriend that wont pop the question. Spiritual availability looks like a woman that loves God more than a man, a woman that honors God by living her life by His word. Sexual availability to my friends looks like a woman that is keeping her self for her husband to be. As you can imagine my boys are all desperately seeking the woman who upholds the sexual standard of God. Hallelujah and Amen :-)
Women who work those three things for God, will end up in the "FAV Five" of a man sooner. If your Boaz is anything like my friends, he will see you as set apart from all the other women here in Atlanta, and the fabled 11 to 1 odds wont mean a thing. The favor of God ain't fare.

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com an online singles ministry radio program

Lustful thoughts

Da video is HOT! I cant take anything away from it.
My brothers please know this. When we say that we have a thought of some woman that is NOT our wife, and it's a sexual thought, that right there is what God calls sin. In the video he says at "this" point there has been no sin (committed)
... WHAT??? I believe that he and God disagree on this point. Let's be real men of God, like for real, and own our crap by judging ourselves. We know God says in his word that whosoever thinks of a woman with lust has already committed adultery. So as a God's men lets stop looking at women "like that", repent, and NOT give those thoughts the glory.

My brothers God made women beautiful so recognizing their beauty is a good thing, but let God set the standard of what going too far is when we look. We have got to stop giving each other props when one of us is lusting over some woman
-James
James is the host of Fining Morris a online singles ministry radio program. Available now! 24 hours a day at:
http://findingmorris.com

Why brothers avoid marriage?

As Bill Cosby would say "c'mon people"! We know the root IS NOT role models, and statistics, and upbringing, and influences. Those things are the fruit and NOT the root. The majority of men DO NOT have a natural desire for marriage, but we do have a natural desire for Food,Sex, and Peace. That is stated more plainly as "feed me", "sex me", and "don't give me grief about it". Women can only safely depend on the God in a man that has given that man victory over his nature. Period. A man that is born again in Jesus Christ, a man that is accountable to other Godly men, a man that governs his life by the Holy Bible is worthy of your trust. That man will NOT avoid marriage, but he will seek you out for the express purpose of proposing it to you.

The question is would you receive him if God showed him to you?

-James
Listen to Finding Morris Online singles ministry radio program 24/7.

How often should a man call?

How often should a man call?

A very wise woman once told me that dating is mind over matter.
Which is if you mind, then it matters. The truth is that if it matters to you that he calls you regularly then you should not feel ashamed
or inadequate when asking to have your needs met. So how often should a man call a woman that he is dating, that can not be qualified by me or anyone else. Your standard of how much a man should call is the only right answer.

Many people would tell you "Girl, a good man is hard to find, don't loose your man over a little phone calling". Are they right? Remember this, these are the same people that probably dwell on the negative odds and the statistics about finding a man.

Let the Holy Ghost lead you into God's perfect peace about everything in your dating. So what do you do when a brother doesn't call you after several days?
Number one: Don't ignore the facts. The facts are that men go after what they want like car's, video games, and yes women. It may be uncomfortable to hear but men that don't call, don't come by, don't text, are busy thinking about something that they think is more important that you. (ouch) Sorry.
Number two:Don't make excuses for him. Communication and the lack there of is a core issue that two people must agree on. Couples with poor communication skills would most likely end up in daily conflict having disagreements in the area of communication.

You may say, but how do I know if it’s good to hear from him everyday? Here’s a good spiritual rule of thumb: If your desire for a phone call negatively affects his or your life's responsibilities like work, family, household responsibilities, church, etc. Your desire may be out of order. However, let's get this straight, let's keep it real now. For example,

"if the man you’re dating has gone to church on Sunday, spent time with his family, paid his bills, watched the football game and back-to-back re-runs of SportsCenter without giving you a call by 9:30 p.m. there is a very good chance that this brother does not have you filed in the priority folder of his life."

A brother with this kind of take-her-or-leave-her mentality could rapidly grow weary with you in a life long marriage. His communication style is purely self-involved and if you’re the type that enjoys being courted,and wooed, even after marriage, it’s better to recognize those signs earlier than later.

Now here is the thing, it's not your job to change him. Let me repeat. It is not your job to change him. Remember who you are. You are the missing piece from Adam’s side. This means that you will fit perfectly at the side of God's best man for you just as you are. You won’t have to force it, you will just fit into his life…and at his side there will be more than enough room for you.

James, Is the host of FindingMorris.com an Online Singles Ministry Radio 24-7-365
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How sistahs can truly "Find" Morris, Part 3

As we conclude this series, I just want to encourage you to guard your heart and keep your faith in God. Dating as a Christian is difficult, but staying true to your convictions is even harder. Instead of putting so much importance on his favorite food or what size shoe he wears (not that shoe size isn’t important…wink, wink) here are just some of the core values you should be talking about on your dates with potential Morris’:

* Relationship with Jesus
* Attitudes about money
* Attitudes about sex
* Kids or no kids?
* Privacy vs. Secrecy
* In-law relationships
* Views on marriage

Now, let’s not forget the practical things like smart things and silly things. For example:

You should ask yourself if you could deal with the differences in the smart things that you agree to disagree on. While politics and taxes might be your passion, metric wrenches and computer software

might really get him going. It’s okay if you don’t share all smart things, but you should be able to participate on some level.

Now silly things to you may be the show, Dancing with the Stars and to him Monday Night Football. Sometimes silly things are connected to hobbies and extracurricular activities. Even if you have different interests, your relationship can still work. But you should take some time to evaluate whether staying connected to your core values as a couple is more important than indulging in the smart or silly things all of the time. In other words, are you willing to spend time doing the things your husband enjoys and vice versa?

Equipping yourself with answers to these questions and comparing them to your Christian values makes it easy to spot “Mr. Booty Call, Mr. Pay my Rent, and the notorious Mr. Down Low.” Don’t waste your time on these men. Simply dismiss these brothers.

A lot of women think that having more candidates is good. In fact, as most brothas will tell you with mad options, more candidates often contribute to your confusion on which one to choose. Following the tips in this series will help you quickly narrow your choices for God’s best. The great guys will have the desire to get to know you for who you are, serve your needs, honor God, and yes spend their money on you. As Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." When a man is willing to spend a great deal of time and money on you, take notice. He may just be your Morris.

If you have already met your Morris, pray for clarity on those red section brothers. The Holy Ghost will show you which brotha is for you. Whatever you do, don’t go looking for him under every rock or in the frozen food section of the supermarket. You don’t have to Find Morris. Trust God, look your best at all times and before you know it, Morris will Find you.

-James and Kanika

Listen to Finding Morris and now Finding Halle online singles ministry radio 24-7
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How sistahs can truly "Find" Morris, Part 2

Let your brother tell you the truth. Only the men that come on to you, the blue men, will make great husbands. They will have the strength to honor you in a life-long marriage. Not necessarily "the gas station dude," but you get the drift. A word of advice, leave the men outside the blue section alone. I don't care how good he looks, or how much money he has. Even if you could get this manner of man to ask you out, you wouldn't be happy with him for a lifetime. Why? The bible says in James 1:8, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

Yet some women find themselves saying, "God told me that he was my husband." That may be true, but if the man has not received that revelation from God, he will not have the faith to love you as Christ loved the church much less lead you in a fulfilling marriage. James 1:6 says, “But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed." Remember, a man who loves God above anything else will lead his family into righteousness and that also means honoring his relationships by stating his intentions.

Now, here is the good news. The other men in the red section are actually pursuing you. Looking at dating from this perspective actually increases your chances of Finding Morris. But the key now is to begin looking beyond the attraction into the spirit of the man and seeking God without allowing your emotions to thwart your decision-making. No matter how you look at it, this is the only group that can possibly have God's best husband for you in it. Here’s why:

* The men not on the chart are married
* Men in the large blue section are showing their interest, but you don't like them
* You like the men in the red section outside of the blue area, but they have not read God's memo about you.

That only leaves the men in the middle where there is mutual attraction (my favorite group). These are men that ask you out. They get your number and actually call it. Simply put, they "holla".

Without getting confused with emotions. You can easily look at these dudes and choose a great husband. These men are not married, you like them, they like you too, now here’s the bigger question...which one of them share my values? Come back next week and find out what you should be asking as you get to know these brothers.

-James and Kanika
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