Interactive panel discussion

ATL SINGLES:::

Well summer is officially here, and it’s time for Blue Lights in the Basement to kick it up a notch or two in celebration of SUMMER.

The next event is Friday, June 25th from 6:30 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. at the KADTS Ballroom Dance Club (www.kadtsreallydance.com). KADTS Dance studio at 675 Metropolitan Pkwy., Atlanta, GA 30310 --> MAP
This event offers so much more than just talking about plugging into life as I so often promote, but it provides the opportunity to do so right on the spot. It will feature sexologist Dr. Chris Bass, a popular professor at Clark Atlanta University who couldn’t join us last month; online singles ministry radio host James Riley (www.findingmorris.com) a leader in dating ministry hosted by men; and Dr.Pam Thompson (www.drpamthompson.com), psychologist and professional life coach specializing in relationship development and enhancement amongst other things.

Format is different in that it will feature an interactive panel discussion on random questions near and dear to YOUR heart, real food that some may think of as “MAN FOOD,” and SIMPLE salsa lessons afterwards taught by the famously fun and talented TJAMES Scott Macauley, owner of KADTS at 675 Metropolitan Pkwy., Atlanta, GA 30310 (directions below). He’s a patient and kind instructor who makes ANYONE look like they can dance.
Ladies, PLEASE invite men to come with you (your co-worker, your brother, your cousin, your neighbor, your church member, your boyfriend/husband). Call in some favors from the men in your life. Men, PLEASE come out to enjoy some food and the ladies.

As always, you can register for the event at www.drpamthompson.com on the news and events page. You have to type in the amount on Pay Pal yourself based on whether you’re paying before the discounted deadline or afterwards. Discounted cost for the event is $15 for individuals and $25 for couples if pre-registered by June 22nd. Afterwards, cost is $20 for individuals and $30 for couples. On this same page, you can peruse recommended books for personal growth and enrichment and purchase them here as well. See attached flyer for additional details.
Directions to Kadts:
From Downtown Atlanta, take I 20 W to Lee Street exit (55B). Turn Left at the exit. Drive two blocks (two traffic lights) to Ralph David Abernathy and turn Left again. Pass under the bridge and continue forward for one block (next traffic light) to Metropolitan Pkwy. Make a sharp Right turn. Turn Right into the first driveway on the right. Drive through the gate on the left of the driveway. Enter the gate and turn sharply to the Right. Drive forward to the end of the row of buildings. Look for the canopy over the doorway. Park near doorway walk through the door under the canopy and come to the second floor. We are in suite 4212.


For more info contact:
Pam Thompson, Psy.D.
Psychologist and Professional Life Coach
Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C.
950 Dannon View, Ste. 4201, Atl., GA 30331
ph: (404) 644-0710
fax: (404) 475-4874
www.drpamthompson.com
http://www.kudzu.com/merchant/17484024.html

Friday April 30th FindingMorris style!

ATL Singles:::

Join me Friday April 30th FindingMorris style! Look out Cascade, I'm bringing the real about dating. Check it out-->

Hot topics on FindingMorris are:
1. The Friend Zone: If a woman gets in it, is there a way out? Does that path lead to marriage?
2. The back pocket woman: This woman is sleeping with a man that she calls her boyfriend. Her insecurity
leads her to wonder if she has ruined everything by going to bed with him. He senses this and makes her a back pocket woman, the chick that you sleep with, not the chick that you marry.
3. Why are 51% of women unmarried? 70% of those black women?

Blue Lights in the Basement

Friday, March 30th Blue Lights in the Basement at Cascade - Registration and Orientation from 6:30pm to 7:30pm. Sessions from 7:00pm-8:00pm and 8:00pm-9:00pm

950 Dannon View
Suite 4201
Atlanta, GA 30331

Phone: 404 644 0710

The next Blue Lights in the Basement will no longer be in the basement of
Our Place Bakery. It’s moving to my office at Cascade and 285 where we will
have limited seating, so when you’re interested in the topics, don’t wait to
sign up. The format is also changing in order to give you more choice in
selecting specific topics and give the whole event a more intimate feel.
So, my plan is to have two facilitators beside myself who will lead
discussions in two separate offices for an hour on specific topics and give
you the choice of selecting 2 out of 3 topics, rotating to your second
choice after the first presentation.

Cost for this event is $15 to those who register by March 24th, after wards
the cost is $20. We may have some wine and cheese beforehand, and each
grouping will also have door prizes.

Live event "Brothers Speak Out!"

ATL Single people::: Why are 51% of women unmarried? Why wont he pop the question? Should the person you date have access to your cell phone password?

Join me Wednesday night for Brothers speak out. This session will feature single men from ATLanta speaking about these and many more subjects.

The SPICE singles ministry will have the single men of Total Grace Christian Center front and center to talk about real things that effect the walk of the unmarried folk in the church.

Come and join me as "Brothers Speak Out!"

Wednesday April 14th, 2010
7:30pm in the main sanctuary
Total Grace Christian
4000 Covington Hwy
Decatur, GA, 30032
404-289-2229

FM41-Speed Dating

Is Speed Dating a good idea for Christians?
My wife and I drop in on a Speed Dating event hosted by Dr.Alduan Tarrt "The Peoples Doc". We spoke with the men and had a great time.

Before I got married, I used to love speed dating....from my perspective it solved the basic problem of how to gain knowledge about every woman in the room without the need for having psychic powers or the Jedi mind trick. I actually got to talk to each woman.

My thing is bring Jesus with you, just as you would if you met someone at church, supermarket, etc.

James is the Host / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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The Perfect Man

The Perfect Man
I recently posted the following question on Facebook:
“Single women::: The guy is perfect, everything you are looking for in every way, but one. He's not interested in serious dating. He doesn't want to court you. He is however, genuinely interested in you and wants to take you out. Would you go out with him? If so, how long would you date him?”
I was surprised by the responses we received from some of the women that follow us on Facebook. Even more interesting, the men who are often mute on most subjects, seemed to have a lot to say on the issue. I wondered why until I spoke offline to many of them. They warned women of the dangers connected to dating a man that is non-committed to getting married to you. (Listen to this episode at FM39)

"When a woman fills her heart with a uncommitted man and then has sex with him, God see’s her as married."

In full disclosure, the question is really not about "the perfect man" at all. It's about what a woman is willing to receive from a man. Even though a woman can go out with whomever she pleases, she should do so with guidance from the Holy Spirit and paying attention to all of the natural evidence. God knows your hearts desire. But when you allow your emotions to fill your heart with "Mr. I’m not ready,” you shut out the greater blessing that God is trying to give you. Time is one of the most precious gifts you own. And giving away your gift to a man that is not where you are on the "ready to be married" continuum, doesn't work. He may have Christ like character and all the qualities you want, but even the tight ab's of your dreams won’t matter if he is not ready to court you with the intention of marriage. Dating a man who is openly or secretly non-committed sets you up for being taken advantage of. The truth is, no matter how much you try to help or how much you give to a man, commitment has to be the man’s idea. Otherwise he’ll grow resentment for you and whatever you built without his leadership.

I know your cousin Lisa married a man that told her that he wasn't interested in marriage and now they are married and have a fly crib in Alpharetta (an ATL suburb). Did cousin Lisa also tell you that his double mindedness caused her periods of hell on earth dealing with his flip-flopping between her and another woman? Truth is, the uncommitted man rarely changes his ways. And if he does, it is usually not for your benefit. How unstable is a double-minded man? The Bible says, in all of his ways (James 1:8).

Real Talk. The majority of men, in their natural minds, see dating as necessary for sex and NOT the precursor to a joy-filled lifelong marriage. For them, sex is the main reason for wanting the company of a woman. When a woman fills her heart with a uncommitted man and then has sex with him, God see’s her as married. And that’s without the ring, the dress and the ceremony. Don’t gamble away the best years of your life on the hopes that one day your perfect man will change his mind. Keep it moving. Make him pay the price to have you. You should be so expensive to him that he can only afford one of you. Believe me, if you’re the one he wants he’ll do whatever it takes that is legal or moral to make you his own. And it won’t take a bunch of years to do it.

James is the Host / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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Walk into your husband's path

Walk into your husband's path

It’s interesting to me how some unmarried Christians seem to be committed to secular dating. You know what I’m talking about. Boy meets a nice girl, girl falls in love with boy, they become boyfriend and girlfriend until three years later boy confesses he’s not ready for marriage, girl sticks in there until boy becomes a man and marries her. It’s a dreadful cycle that hurts so many people in the process. As Christians, Jesus has called us to be in the world, but not of it. So why do we think it’s okay to date the way the world does and expect to achieve superior results?

My husband posted an question on facebook some weeks ago asking unmarried women if they would continue to date a man who was honest enough to share that he wasn’t interested in marriage? You should’ve seen the heated responses on both sides of the fence. Some said it would be foolish for a woman ready for marriage to date a man who wasn’t. Others complained that writing a man off because he’s not ready is premature. After all, he might be in transition, has been hurt in a previous relationship or could be ready after he’s reached his goals. We all have known success stories where a woman travailed to become the last woman standing. She may have been in her 20’s when the relationship began and is now in her 30’s. She had vision for what he would eventually become and chose to love him unconditionally. I admit it’s a beautiful thing for a woman to stand by her man. Yet, I wonder if waiting for a man who is not your husband sets you up for an emotional roller coaster of uncertainty and pain.

I am somewhat of a traditionalist and I make no concessions for that. My values in the area of dating are what many might consider old-fashioned or out-of-style. But one thing I know for sure is that dating the way of the world doesn’t work. I’ve loved and lost many times during my dating, rarely asking God to show me whom I should give my time and heart to. I’ve dated men who said they wanted to get married only to discover that they weren’t ready. I’ve dated many others who said they weren’t interested in anything serious just to see if I’d stick around long enough through their indiscretions. Through all the tears, I finally got the lesson that men will take advantage if you let them. I had to take a stand and follow God's lead in my dating. It was the only way to protecting my heart and being ready to receive the man who was ready to be my husband.

" What I know for sure is that dating the way of the world doesn’t work."

For all of our wonderful qualities, women often make the mistake of allowing our heart to rest in places that are not appropriate for us. We’re too willing to adjust our values, our desires and our dreams for what we perceive to be the love of our lives. It’s a bit ironic because God has always regarded woman as the jewel to be found, not the other way around. You are the prize and should be treated as the precious jewel that you are. Committing to a broken man or one who isn’t ready for the type of relationship you want is not God’s best. Marrying a person who felt pressured to marry or someone whose emotional pain hasn’t been dealt with will challenge every aspect of your relationship. Why go through all of that drama if you don’t have to? Rather than waiting for the man to come around, why not flip the script and be such a standout that he’ll either have to step-up or regret that he lost you. How do you accomplish this? Walk into your husband's path. Keep your standards high, pursue your passions and only allow your heart to be filled by the man who is ready to make you his wife.

Kanika is a Producer / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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• 404-954-0092

How do I change a booty call into a marriage?

Single women::: How do you transfer a booty call based interaction into a lifelong joy-filled marriage?

If a woman expects to have an actual man that is strong and loving without being lame or a punk, she must also agree that the terms of your interaction should be named by the man. In other words, it's a booty call if the man calls it a booty call. A woman can label it anything she wants to. Just keep in mind that God's first job for man was to name a thing. It's one of the things that He has called us to do.

No matter what you do, you cannot transform a booty call interaction into a joy-filled lifelong marriage, only he can. It's got to be his idea. You cannot lay the Vi-Jay-Jay down or rock his world well enough to change his mind for him. You cannot love his family enough, including his kids to change his mind about pursuing a relationship that will end in a great marriage. You cannot even go through a man's stomach with your famous baked chicken plate well enough to change his mind.

Let the changing of his mind come from God. Doing it this way brings honor to God and solidifies his mind in a more stable, concrete way. It's the only thing you can depend on.

James is the Host / Writer for FindingMorris.com

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FM38 - Premarital Sex

FM38 - Premarital Sex (34:38)
We may not know women, but men, we know! FindingMorris.com is all about the real talk about the real Christian walk of dating. Here is what the fellas speak to in this episode:

• Pre-Marital Sex: If you do it, have you screwed up your chances of finding your Morris?
• Why ratios of men to women don't matter.
• What divorced women know about men that single women miss.
• Why we DISAGREE on how long a woman should wait before having sex with the man she's dating.
• What makes a good brother?
• How men take advantage of insecure women.
• Why women bug-out on trying to avoid men on the DOWN LOW!?


We kept it real, so clear the kiddies out the room! )))

Free samples

Have you ever been to the food court at the mall? You see all of these fast-food places and restaurants all lined up selling every variety of food that most people would like. When you look closer there are always these people in uniform holding a little piece of chicken on a stick for you to sample. Have you ever watched men in this scenario? Men will eat the chicken on a stick, leave, and still go over to Burger King and buy a whole super size combo and the whole nine.

Now, I'm not saying that you are a piece of chicken. You are obviously more valuable than that. But truth be told, that is what men do with women too. They will sample your goods, and still keep it moving down to the next woman. So, when you understand how they think, you can make better choices regarding what you will and won't do in a relationship.

Now you're probably thinking-- at the mall everyone has chicken on a stick, and even though some people eat and run away, some do stay and buy the combo meal. How can I compete with all of that? Here's how.

" In God's plan you don't have to give "free samples" to get a man to be interested in marrying you. "

You don't have to stand out in the hall with your well seasoned chicken hanging off of a stick. All you have to do is:

1- Have a good name in the mall food court.
2- Actually have great food
3- Make your menu and your food appealing to the eye.

• Having a good name is about good Christian character, being polite, telling the truth, working hard, getting along with people, etc.
When people at your job, at church, at the gym or wherever see this kind of behavior in you, they will say great things when asked about you. Just like a restaurant with a good review, it's then that your good reputation will proceed you into every situation. In fact good people will be drawn to you.
• Having great food is a kin to having substance, actually being marriage material for the perspective man that is looking for you.
Trust me when I tell you that he is in fact looking for you right now. The question is whom will he find when he gets to you? Will you be ready for marriage?
Do you have your heart available for him, or does part of your heart still connected to some other guy?
Are you willing to sacrifice and share everything with this man? Your money, your thoughts? Your credit score? Your past?, yes the dude from spring break too! :-)
•Making your menu and food easy on the eye is also a key to countering the "free sample" women from crowding all of the men in the food court of your life. While the offers to get a free sample may be tempting, just like hearing about a great restaurant from a friend, a man's intention when showing up to the food court is to buy a combo from you, and only you. Men ask around about the women that they are interested in, and hearing great reviews about you really helps to help a man to "see" you as something he may want. If he has heard great things about you, and when meeting you for the first time your menu is great, and your presentation is tight, then you can count on a man buying what you have to offer.

"Free samples" lead to insecurity in your true position in a man's life. The right man will see what you have to offer, hear about your good name from other people, and just want to have you. He will want you even while standing in the middle of the food court full of people offering chicken on a stick standing all around him. He will see you as bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh and choose you over everyone else. Free samples can't offer you that. Making him wait 90 days before giving him a free sample can't offer you that either, only God's way can.

James is the host and a contributing writer for FindingMorris.com

Is it time to Detox?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been on some kind of diet. You name it, I’ve tried it: Atkins, South Beach, vegan and most recently the flat belly. No matter which one I’ve chosen over the years, they all required a period of time when you shocked your body into forgetting bad habits. Industry insiders call it detoxification or the process when toxic waste is removed.

With the zeal of a school girl day one is usually easy breezy. You convince yourself that you’re going to lick the battle this time. But by day seven, eleven or 21 you’re climbing the walls. Your body cries out for relief. Next thing you know a bowl of ben & jerry’s ice cream is sitting in your lap. At first bite your taste buds surrender, you’re body awakens to it’s creamy goodness. You said you’d only have one scoop, but good feelings take over and before you know it you’ve eaten the whole carton.

This may be a pretty drawn out analogy, but isn’t it funny that we often go through the same process in our relationships? I know ice cream in and of it self isn’t harmful. Yet, I also know that eating a bowl every day is harmful to my health. If you deeply desire to be married and the person you’re dating hasn’t given you a clear righteous path to the altar, isn’t sure about their feelings for you, or is pressuring you to have premarital sex, it’s time to detox. If they just seem to be non-committal or tend to have a hot temper, it’s time to detox.

I’m not going to front like it’s easy to pull away from a situation, but I’m telling you the longer you remain in a relationship that distracts you from God, makes you feel bad or second guess your decision to love this person without the love GOD says you deserve in return, you are keeping God from putting you in the position to receive the love of your life.

"Detoxing can take on many forms, but the goal is the same; getting a handle on your emotions long enough to be able to withstand the temptation of going back to the relationship that you know isn’t God’s best for you."

During my years of singleness I wasted so much time trying to work it out with this guy or that. Eventually I learned some detoxing strategies that helped me to mourn the relationship, get a handle on my thoughts, emotions and ultimately my actions.

1. Be upfront—tell the person why you’re ending the relationship. Be honest.
2. Don’t take calls. Remember the ice cream—just a little taste will bring back good memories.
3. Dont reply to text messages --in fact, change their name in your phone to DO NOT ANSWER to remind you what to do when they call. (reason: refer to #2)
4. Don’t accept dates or invitations to meet, run errands ,or help with that little project the two of you had pre-planned.
5. Get going –busy yourself with things you enjoy. Learn a new hobby and meet a new circle of people that share your interests.
6. Guard your heart from offense—limit conversations with people who are personally invested in your situation remaining the way it is. In other words, misery loves company.
7. Draw close—amp up your prayer and worship. Attend church regularly and commit to serve in ministry. Inundate your spirit with Christian music, by all means stay away from those R.Kelly CD's. If you've had sex, we already know that "your body is calling" you don't need the "12play" CD lyrics looping in your head.
8. By day 21 you’ll want to call…DON’T CALL or TEXT under any circumstances. Don't drive by his crib and knock on his door saying, "We need to talk."
9. Stick with it—Even if you find yourself taking that call, remind yourself of the objective: to free yourself from toxic behaviors that are keeping you from the love of your life. Letting love go can be excruciating. But there’s such joy on the other side. Stick with it!
10. Get alone with God and deal with the disappointment—Whether you write it, pray it out or cry until you’re spent, stay on your knees until you know that your body, mind and spirit has surrendered to God’s will.

Number 10 is important and it may take many sessions to get to that point of surrender. It takes courage to break the soul-ties that hold us back, especially if you've had sex. There's no condemnation, so I know you can do it. Don’t be deceived; temptation will come. Focus on your process and leave your past love’s salvation, situation, and drama for God to handle. Pray that He’ll send someone to minister to them, remember the reason for the detox. They are not marriage material for you.

Praying your strength in the Lord
-Kanika
Writer/Producer for FindingMorris.com

To comment on the post click comment below

Who makes more? Does it matter?

I was talking to a single sister last week about what she was looking for in a husband and was somewhat surprised by how important a man's salary was to her. Christians talk a lot about sex and relationship drama, but we often feel a little "crunchy" when talking about our financial expectations. I guess it’s a bit too personal to share that you won’t marry someone who has credit problems, doesn’t have a college degree, or makes less money than you.

So, I spoke with more people about it and surprisingly more than one woman said she wouldn’t consider a guy who made less money than her. I understand the desire for financial security, but having a restrictive policy about money can disqualify a man who could be the perfect husband for you. The Word of God teaches us that He is more concerned that your potential Boaz having the heart to learn and do the right thing with the money he has. If he’s a tither, giver and is disciplined enough to understand the value of saving should he qualify. Failing to receive that man because of his current money state is kin to ignoring the principles
God has given us for righteous living. Don't blow this principled dude off just because he uses the 1040EZ form.

I know it’s tough for many women to conceive of having
babies with a man that makes less than she does. From jump street
women are thinking about, if I make more then him, how can
I take time off from work to have his babies with only his income to
sustain us. Women are also concerned about how he feels about her
higher income. "Will he still feel like the man if I am bringing more
home than him?" Keeping it real some women wonder if she can still
see him as "the man" if he makes less. Men should understand a woman’s need for security and should be willing to do whatever it takes to offer that security to her. Anything legal or moral that is ☺

Here is the balance. It's the principles of God that we can surely
lean on to give us stable and dependable advice about all dating criteria. Making a decision about which man to date based on his income has it's place in your deliberations. However, his salary or lack there of, should not be considered higher than any principle of God. If your potential spouse is short on cash, but high on patience and
character shouldn’t you be open to marrying him? If your potential husband is committed to the things of God, the two of you agree on the core areas of life, and if he is pleased to
dwell with you, sounds like you have already heard from God. Would you
really let that kind of man go because he makes less money than you?

Praying our sisters won't miss God ever again! In Jesus' name. Amen!

James is the host and a contributing writer for FindingMorris.com

FM37-The Bachelor fiasco 2

Listen now online 24/7:
FM37-The Bachelor fiasco 2 (25:39)

Kanika and I talk about what are the benefits of dating like a Christian?

Having trouble listening? -->Try here

The FM newsletter will deal with money in dating, detoxing from toxic men and women, FindingMorris Newsletter sign up--> http://tinyurl.com/FM-sign-up

FM TRIVIA: You may remember my wife (fiance’ at the time) from Finding Halle Episode one.

Contact us if you have any questions, topics, comments for the show call us anonymously or leave your name and city at (404)567-5752

Finding Morris is brought to you by the FM faithful, listeners like you. If Finding Morris has been a blessing to you, consider donating to support the program and blog as we serve you. Click on the Donate button on the upper right hand side on the main page. Sow your support into good ground, FindingMorris.com

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12 tips for Christian dating, Part Two

From the book: GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Dr.’s Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Remember to keep your self accountable to Godly people when dating. This list blessed me when I was dating. When I didn't have my brothers, who gave me Godly council to keep my accountable at midnight, I would look it over. Email us and I'll send you the entire thing. Check it out:

4. DATING ACCORDING TO A FEW NON-NEGOTIABLE VALUES.

You will be less likely to stay in a relationship that is bad for you if you before you date have a clear idea of what values you want to guide your life. People can be pretty subtle about their dark sides. So have a set of values that inform your dating decisions. Those values should act as an alarm system when someone you are dating violates them.


5. EXPAND YOUR TASTE.

Be open to going out with people whom you would normally not have on your list. Date to learn. Date to have fun. Date to have meaningful interactions with human beings. Look at each situation as a chance to get to know a person and find out something about you.



6. BE YOURSELF, FROM THE BEGINNING.

Pretending to be someone you aren’t rules out the possibility of real intimacy. Differences are exciting and part of what a real relationship is about. Sparks and chemistry come not only from where you are alike and already connected but also from where you are different. Differences create space between people where longing and desire can develop. There is a desire to join and enjoy what you do not possess. You are enlarged by the other person.


7. DON’T PUT UP WITH BAD BEHAVIOR, AND SET GOOD BOUNDARIES.

Many people put up with a lot of disrespect in dating and then wonder why they are in a problem relationship. Remember, you will get what you tolerate. If you see patterns that you do not want to be there, deal with them early. If the person you are dating stops the negative behavior, you come out ahead. If they don’t like being confronted and goes away, you still come out ahead. Both results are good for you. You cannot loose.


8. TAKE YOUR TIME

Don’t move into a relationship too quickly. Take the time to get to know a person in different situations; get to know his or her friends, values, family, faith everything you can know about someone. You have to make sure that you are not just indulging your hormones or fantasies when you open the door of your heart and get serious with someone. Take the time to make sure you know a person well before getting into a serious or exclusive dating relationship. If the other person has a problem with that, see it as a warning sign. It may point to a need to control or be dependent.

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• 404-567-5752

12 tips for Christian dating, Part One

From the book: GOD WILL MAKE A WAY by Dr.’s Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Remember to keep your self accountable to Godly people when dating. If your cousin Lisa is asking you out to "ESSO" (ATL club) and needs to drop by the weed spot on the way, you may not want to get her counsel about your dating situation. This list blessed me when I was dating. When I didn't have my brothers to keep my accountable at midnight, I would look it over. Email us and I'll send you the entire thing. Check it out:

9. STAY CONNECTED

Don’t date in isolation. Integrate the person you are dating into your community of friends. Allow your friends to be your spiritual family and depend on them for input. By staying connected to a community, you will ensure that your deepest needs will be met, you will get support and accountability, and from that strong base you will make better decisions.



10. GET ACTIVE

God provides as you seek him, but he also wants us to be doing our part of getting into life and being in the real world.


Here are a few ways you could begin to meet more people:

· network with family and friends. · Pursue the things you enjoy.

· join others who have the same need. · use your gift of hospitality.

· do something structured.



11. LOOK IN THE MIRROR

If you are taking steps to meet new people and no one is showing interest in you, ask yourself why. Maybe there is something about your personality, or behavior, or the way you come across to others that you are not aware of that is getting in the way. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to make someone to whom others would be attracted? What do I need to learn about myself that might be keeping me stuck?” Find some friends who will be honest with you and give you feed back. Maybe there is a real problem that you can work on, and you may find some good things happening.



12. KEEP YOURSELF PURE

Do not set yourself up by being promiscuous, even in a more serious relationship. You will have no idea what is truly going on and will not know what part of sex is playing in making it all work. Then later, when there is all the pressure of commitment, conflict, children and the like, you might find that there was a shaky foundation from the beginning.

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The Bachelor Fiasco

FM36-The Bachelor fiasco (27:34) Listen as Kanika and I talk about The Bachelor and the hot topic “If men know what they want”.
This is part one of two. You may remember my wife (fiance’ at the time) from Finding Halle Episode one. Don't worry, the men will be back to address your dating questions in the days and weeks ahead.-->Listen here

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The sex in 90 days game

Here is the 2nd most asked question at FindingMorris and rising fast: Will a man marry a woman after premarital sex? On a recent episode of Oprah, Steve Harvey compares having pre-marital sex with a man to the 90 day probationary period that is found in the corporate workplace. The theory is to make a man wait 90 days before having sex with him. I guess compared to God's plan of waiting until your married Steve's plan may seem like the better option. After all, Steve says 90 days gives a woman enough time to determined if a brother is easy to work with, if he works well with others, in other words if he's worthy.

The questions is worthy of what? Most women have pre-marital sex with men for many reasons:
To be loved
To be married
Because their horny
To get us to stay
Because if they don't, some other woman will
Because they are in love with us
and my favorite, because they think they are in a relationship with the guy

"But most men have pre-marital sex for one reason. Because their horny"

With men on one side, and women on the other side, each with different motives in all cases but one; what is a sistah to do? See the worthiness that Steve Harvey is talking about is NOT the same worthiness that God speaks of. God built us and knew us before we were knitted in the womb. He understands our nature better than anyone. God knows that if most men got the ...ahem..."benefits" before marriage, that he would have little interest in pursuing a covenant marriage with THAT women. Men that get benefits before marriage, are well fed, and don't get grief about it often become "parked cars" along the road to marriage.

Okay I know your girl Lisa "gave up the draws" and her boyfriend married her. Did Lisa tell you about the ultimatum she gave him that made him pop the question? Did she tell you that he married her because she got pregnant? Lisa may not have shared the facts that she was giving him money, paid his bills or that she organized his office. She certainly didn't share that she was secretly a "ride - or - die chick" for him that stayed around long enough to out last the other chicks that he was sleeping with.

I'm not saying that Lisa's boyfriend didn't love her, i'm saying that if the goal is to be married, then giving him a 90 day evaluation before having sex with him IS NOT going to help you determine if he is worthy of you or not. 90 days is just the latest common wisdom designed to distract you. I know that everyone is doing it that way, but God told us that His way would be the narrow, less traveled, sure pathway that leads us to righteousness. If the man you date says that he loves you, he can demonstrate that best by first honoring God by leading you into marriage before the bedroom.

James is a contributing writer and host of FindingMorris.com


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Playing games with God

Before I gave my singleness to God, it seemed that every three to six months I found myself interested in someone. I’d date him for three months, but most times it didn’t go any further. By my late twenties, the pattern became a great frustration to me. I knew being celibate would be a turn off to most men, but I never thought it would hinder me from getting married. Yet, like clockwork by month three he was gone taking my heart with him.

By the time I was 28, I was in a real funk. Men no longer asked me out. They weren’t striking up conversations with me in the grocery aisle. I felt like God was hiding me away, letting my best years pass me by. I just wanted to be loved like everybody else. This was the worst year of my loneliness. I began to feel that I couldn’t do any better. And it was also the year that God was able to get my attention.

You see, God will not play second best to your desires. I could have whined all I wanted for the next ten years about why I wasn’t married, but the fact remains;

"I was playing games with God by keeping him from having an active role in my dating life. I made choices on whom to date without consulting Him."

I said my Hallelujah’s at church, yet when it came to giving my heart to someone I was the master of my life. It’s tough to admit, but it was pride that was keeping me from the life of my dreams.

Once I made up my mind to stick closer to God, my outlook on life slowly began to change. Even though I often cried myself to sleep from the loneliness, I began to feel the Lord’s arms comforting me. In His Word I discovered the depth of His unconditional love and what kind of man I should accept into my life. If marriage was my heart’s desire, I had to take the cue from heavenly Father and do away with childish things. It didn’t matter how great the guy was, whether my family liked him, or how much I once loved him. If he wasn’t the kind of man who put God’s desires above his own or someone who wasn’t sincerely dating me with the purpose of marriage, I had to let him go.

I know this sounds old fashioned. But I tell you, letting God into that part of my life protected me from hurt, gave me the confidence to believe that God was preparing me for the man that was best for me and allowed my heart to be available when my husband eventually showed up. If you find yourself "on the fence" of decision, run to the One who knows you best of all. Surrender your singleness by letting Jesus into every part of your life.

Let these men go if:

If he is not the kind of man who put God’s desires above his own
If he is someone who is not sincerely dating you with the purpose of marriage
If he loves anything more than God including his mother, his Madden football, his car, or his boys
If he doesn't have a plan for his life or isn't actively pursuing that plan
If he'd rather spend his money on himself rather than you
If he doesn't have have a good work ethic
If he doesn't work

Win a "What Boyfriend?" T-shirt

We are giving away a "What Boyfriend?" T-Shirt to the person with
the best dating question for our panel of single Christian brothers.
Just contact us at Finding Morris at Gmail.com
or if your not too shy leave your name and city along with your question at
404-567-5752

Am I Christian 1st, then Black 2nd?

Apparently I'm late to the game, but I just read that 70% of black women are single! WTH!??
I pray that our sisters get the memo, that we are Christians first, then we are black.
We often tell ourselves and others that God is the center of our lives. Yet we often times surround ourselves with people that don't honor God or His Word. I'm sure it's mostly because they are family or we find a sense of comfort knowing they share in the black experience. We should be ashamed of ourselves. God never told us to forsake his principles for the sake of our culture or ethnicity.

As a black man, I understand the solidarity we share as a community. We have depended on one another over the years for support, understanding, culture, and self-identity. We've found acceptance in our community when we were shunned elsewhere. Don't get it twisted. I love being black. I love my black people, but I don't identify with being black as my primary "click" or group of affiliation. See, I'm with Jesus first. You know why? Because support, understanding, culture, and self identity are NOT spiritual. They won't last forever. For example, I feel differently now about my self-identity then I did a month ago. The truth is only the things we do for God are permanent.

"Choosing a husband is the kind of decision that should be made based on secure principles that do not change."


I can hear someone saying, "Being black is not going to change the way society sees me. I didn't choose to be born black." This is true. Being black may be permanent in this earthly life, but it IS NOT spiritual. Here is what I'm saying. Knowing men like I do, you should be open to marry a Godly man regardless of his race. If I were a woman, I would be available to ALL single Christian men. Yes white single Christian men too. Now that IS spiritual. With that, you have effectively made God and His word your priority and NOT ascribing to some sense of racial loyalty. Having a Christ led family should be paramount to us. Choose the Christ in a man as a spiritual principle for Godly living. We overcome by the blood of the lamb, not by the blood in our veins, nor the blood of our forefathers.

James is the host of FindingMorris.com an Online Singles Ministry Radio program available 24/7

Are you truly single?

All the Single Ladies (Reposted from Nikki's Blog) "All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies! Now put your hands up!" Don’t front. You ain’t so saved that you haven’t heard that Beyonce song. My goodness, is it me or is it everywhere? Man, I even thought I heard it in a ‘Feed the Hungry’ commercial, LOL. And don’t play, some of you started dancing the moment you saw the lyrics (smile). It’s all good though. All the praise dancers holla at your girl for lessons in the foyer after church, LOL. Y'all ain't ready! Okay, jokes aside, today I wanted to pose a question to all my single folk. And don’t start fidgeting with your pencil either. This is a simple one (smile). Here it is: Are you truly single? I ask this question because in my observations, it almost seems as if some are so afraid of being alone that they would rather settle for a bastardized version of love than wait on God. It’s crazy. I’ve never in all my life encountered so many who are single with conditions. And you know what’s even crazier? Most don’t even know their not single. Check it out: "Anytime you keep someone on reserve as your unspoken plan B, you’re not single. Anytime you waste time with someone you know in your heart is not God’s best for your life, you’re not single." Anytime you continue to lay hands on yourself, thereby cheating on your future spouse, guess what? You’re not single. Real talk, if God can’t trust you with your own hand, how can He trust you in a marriage? Hello somebody! And I know it may seem coarse, but I need you to get this. God needs you to get this. It’s time out for the “all by myself” blues. It’s time out for acting as if love doesn’t love you. What benefit can be gathered from lamenting over yesterday? And understand, I’m not trying to be dismissive. Hurt is real. And we’ve ALL experienced it. Yet at the end of the day you have to make up in your mind that you’ve simply had enough. You have to make a decision to do things differently. Today I want to challenge you to let last year be the last year. The last year for fruitless relationships. The last year for unresolved heart hurt. The last year for it all. And don’t get it twisted, in speaking to you I speak to me too. See, the reality of my life is that I too needed to get some things in order. And I know I speak of marriage a lot but I make no apologies. I understand my call. And because I understand it, I have no problem allowing God to use me as an example. Why? Simple. For great is my reward. Yours too! Know that for every hurt, every tear, and every heartache, your joy will be greater. Yeah, this is the season of great manifestations. And God has a love for you that is so beautiful, so joyous, and so pure, it’s just plain old ridiculous (smile). In fact, don’t be surprised if you find you have to pinch yourself to make sure you’re not dreaming. Hmmm, play your cards right and you may find yourself pinching your spouse to show them that their not dreaming, lol. And all of the church said, "Ahhhmennnnnnnnnnn! To you on the other side of this screen, know that I love you with the love of Christ. I really do. I love you so much that I’m willing to tell you what is right and risk you being mad at me. See real love would rather see you uncomfortable in truth than complacent in a lie. And I speak these things because I want to see you blessed. In all areas. But here’s the thing: If you don’t get yours in this season, don’t blame God. No homey, this year it’s on you. The question is what will you do with it? Selah. So be encouraged. You’re going to make it. Your time of singleness is drawing to a close. Let us continue to allow God to form us that all will be in order when He comes. Love you still, Nikki Washington, CEO www.glowmagazineonline.com Subscribe to the FM newsletter and get more great Christian stories like this