Exclusive dating-How much are you worth?

Real talk. Quality time IS essential for dating Christians. This is where the search for compatibility is done. Most people would agree that people hold back some of who they are, making the search for compatibility tougher. This is one reason why society prescribes exclusive dating, or boyfriends & girlfriends as a system to learn, love, and discover the truth in the people we date. In theory, you are supposed to date one another exclusively, and meet each others family, and loved ones. The hope is that somewhere in the process of doing this, that a person will drop their guard long enough for you to see their true self. We are supposed to use these moments of clarity to choose whether or not we have compatibility or not. For the person who is living their lives for the Lord, there are a couple of major problems with this approach:

Intimacy. Intimacy is great, it's a gift from God. Some mild forms of it are even necessary when dating. The problem with intimacy and exclusive dating is that men often become aroused in intimacy with women, and women on the other hand begin to feel secure in intimacy with men. Ya'll stop me when i'm lying. So you take a women that is feeling all warm and secure, and a man that is aroused, and then you add the dynamic of "your my boyfriend" and what we get is what we see in the church today; men and women exploring sex in all it's forms before marriage.

Timing. Another problem with exclusive dating is that many people dating this way in the church discover that the person they dated, sometimes for years, is not going to be their spouse. Now here is the thing, during the time a woman is a man's boyfriend, she doesn't know that man is NOT her husband, but God does. So being the good and righteous God that he is, he sends good men, Godly men your way. Now the woman calls it bad timing, because she has a boyfriend. We can only imagine God's perspective as he tried to bless her, but she was unavailable.

"We all know that in every case but one, exclusive dating concludes with a break - up" ,the exception of course being marriage. Seeing that marriage is what dating Christians ultimately seek, why not make marriage the centerpiece of dating, without all the ties? In the Bible, exclusivity before marriage was granted with a price. When Jacob told Laban that he wanted to marry his daughter Rachel, they agreed on a price before she was set-aside for him. Today, with our boyfriend and girlfriend culture, exclusivity costs nothing and is given freely therefore it means next to nothing, especially to men. It is Biblical for a man to collect his savings, buy a diamond and offer it to a woman as a sacrifice and a promise to marry her. No matter what our society says, the Bible does NOT support the process of women setting themselves aside exclusively before a sacrificial offering has been made. Imagine Jacob asking Laban to marry Rachel without a sacrificial demonstration of his love. Jacob worked 7 years for the hand of Rachel. How much are you worth?

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com, an online singles ministry radio program that is available 24/7

The next live taping is Saturday January 31st, 2009

When should commitment begin?

When should commitment begin during the dating process
Annette writes:
Q: What I mean is that I don't limit myself to "one man" unless we're both considering marriage. I think the American way of dating is highly impractical. The point of dating is to get to know someone and see if they could be a potential life partner. The act of "committing" to one person not only limits your choices, it makes no sense because everyone breaks up in (dating) relationships except (in) one. Why not take out the middle man (committed dating) and save commitments for when they actually matter (in preparation for marriage). When I say I want to be free, I mean the freedom of being unattached to any brother until I think he is marriage material. If I think I could possibly marry the dude, then we can start talking about committed dating. Until then, they need to slow their roll. I'm not a ice cream flavor to be "taste-tested" before a purchase." I want a brother who already knows what his favorite flavor is--Me--and that's that. I won't settle for anything less. Being single without a significant other is not as bad as being single in a crappy relationship!

A:
Anette is from California. Thank you for your insight. IS SHE RIGHT?
Where did we get the idea that having a commitment before marriage is so important? Commit too soon and you could be stuck with somebody that you don't know very well. Or you could very well miss your Halle or Morris (God's best). Many Christians rush into a commitment. Our sistahs are especially susceptible to this because they want security. They want that feeling of warmth and comfort. They want to be covered by and connected to a man. Sometimes it seems any man will do as long as he has just a little Jesus in him.

Exclusively upgrading your dating status before you can clearly judge whether or not the other person has what it takes to to be a great spiritual partner is dangerous. By spiritual I'm not talking about church attendance alone (which is a great indicator by the way). Trust me when I tell you that you DO NOT want to be committed to someone that is NOT a good match for you spiritually. If your gift of speaking in unknown tongues is looked down upon, if giving God a tenth of your salary is foreign to them, if giving God praise during tough times is met with negativity, you may certainly desire to be free from that person and be joined to someone who is where you are in the Lord.

So when should commitment actually begin? Lets be real. In the beginning, we focus on how the other person makes us feel, how cute they are, what a good person they are, etc. All good stuff, just not spiritual stuff. Commit to soon and you'll risk being joined to the wrong person for you. You risk joining a person you don't know enough about. Especially considering that many of us often lack first hand knowledge of the persons' level of spirituality in the beginning. We think she is spiritual because she prays, but she can regularly be found cursing someone out of the same mouth that praises our God.

The things that matter spiritually should be apparent during the dating process. You get the chance to observe the other person's life with friends and family. Watch how they respond during stressful times, joyful times and their attitudes about money, and children are good indicators to look for. Get to know their thoughts about fornication and abstinence. When using the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, all of this and more can be discovered about a date without an exclusive commitment. In fact, the closer you get to the person your dating, the more you feel for them, the tougher it is to clearly discern the "core agreements" that are needed to have a successful marriage.

Yes I said the "M" word marriage. See that is what this is all about, first being marriage material yourself; then discovering that same qualities in the person your dating. Christians seem look to commitment as the litmus test for discovering the potential compatibility with someone you date. The truth is that ever person you will ever date will end up in a break - up, with the exception of one; the person you marry for a lifetime. Commitment, however, seems to pacify the fears of leary saints. Fears of being cheated on and fears of loving and not being loved in return.

My problem with these commitments is that they esteem your date's attributes as too important, when God and His principles are supposed to be the highest, and greatest thing. Many Christians simply do not know enough about the spiritual character of the people we date. In fact, most of us trust so deeply when entering into a commitment with someone that, in effect, the trust becomes like an offering of faith. Faith in anyone but God is sin. We need to see evidence from everyone but God before giving our trust.

Let me stop screwing around with this and tell you the real.(Lord help me) A great indication of your connection with the person you date is that they, on their own, no longer have the desire to go out with someone else. They feel this way because you interest them, they like you, they enjoy your company, your always on their mind, not because you manipulate them, "corner" them, or give them the ol' commitment ultimatum. They spend time with you out of their own free will and desire, and that is the way you should want it. Think about it, that is how God treats us. God doesn't even ask us to enter into relationship with Him, before you get a chance to know Him, and His glorious ways. Doesn't He say "hey, come to church, I wrote a little something for you that I want you to read. Keep hanging out with me and get to know me, I got some great news for you. Guess what I love you, and I loved you before you were born...." You get my drift, the point is that we want people to love us on purpose, because of who we are, just as God does.

I can hear some of you now saying, " So what am I supposed to do, meet somebody, then jump straight into getting married and then get to know them afterwards ...I'm not God!" Unequivocally, NO! Next time we are going to talk about that and how to trust God more than you trust your date. Check me out again in part two of the article we will talk about the myths surrounding "when should commitments begin?"

-James

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How sistahs can truly "Find" Morris, Part 3

As we conclude this series, I just want to encourage you to guard your heart and keep your faith in God. Dating as a Christian is difficult, but staying true to your convictions is even harder. Instead of putting so much importance on his favorite food or what size shoe he wears (not that shoe size isn’t important…wink, wink) here are just some of the core values you should be talking about on your dates with potential Morris’:

* Relationship with Jesus
* Attitudes about money
* Attitudes about sex
* Kids or no kids?
* Privacy vs. Secrecy
* In-law relationships
* Views on marriage

Now, let’s not forget the practical things like smart things and silly things. For example:

You should ask yourself if you could deal with the differences in the smart things that you agree to disagree on. While politics and taxes might be your passion, metric wrenches and computer software

might really get him going. It’s okay if you don’t share all smart things, but you should be able to participate on some level.

Now silly things to you may be the show, Dancing with the Stars and to him Monday Night Football. Sometimes silly things are connected to hobbies and extracurricular activities. Even if you have different interests, your relationship can still work. But you should take some time to evaluate whether staying connected to your core values as a couple is more important than indulging in the smart or silly things all of the time. In other words, are you willing to spend time doing the things your husband enjoys and vice versa?

Equipping yourself with answers to these questions and comparing them to your Christian values makes it easy to spot “Mr. Booty Call, Mr. Pay my Rent, and the notorious Mr. Down Low.” Don’t waste your time on these men. Simply dismiss these brothers.

A lot of women think that having more candidates is good. In fact, as most brothas will tell you with mad options, more candidates often contribute to your confusion on which one to choose. Following the tips in this series will help you quickly narrow your choices for God’s best. The great guys will have the desire to get to know you for who you are, serve your needs, honor God, and yes spend their money on you. As Matthew 6:21 says, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." When a man is willing to spend a great deal of time and money on you, take notice. He may just be your Morris.

If you have already met your Morris, pray for clarity on those red section brothers. The Holy Ghost will show you which brotha is for you. Whatever you do, don’t go looking for him under every rock or in the frozen food section of the supermarket. You don’t have to Find Morris. Trust God, look your best at all times and before you know it, Morris will Find you.

-James and Kanika

Listen to Finding Morris and now Finding Halle online singles ministry radio 24-7
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How sistahs can truly "Find" Morris, Part 2

Let your brother tell you the truth. Only the men that come on to you, the blue men, will make great husbands. They will have the strength to honor you in a life-long marriage. Not necessarily "the gas station dude," but you get the drift. A word of advice, leave the men outside the blue section alone. I don't care how good he looks, or how much money he has. Even if you could get this manner of man to ask you out, you wouldn't be happy with him for a lifetime. Why? The bible says in James 1:8, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

Yet some women find themselves saying, "God told me that he was my husband." That may be true, but if the man has not received that revelation from God, he will not have the faith to love you as Christ loved the church much less lead you in a fulfilling marriage. James 1:6 says, “But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed." Remember, a man who loves God above anything else will lead his family into righteousness and that also means honoring his relationships by stating his intentions.

Now, here is the good news. The other men in the red section are actually pursuing you. Looking at dating from this perspective actually increases your chances of Finding Morris. But the key now is to begin looking beyond the attraction into the spirit of the man and seeking God without allowing your emotions to thwart your decision-making. No matter how you look at it, this is the only group that can possibly have God's best husband for you in it. Here’s why:

* The men not on the chart are married
* Men in the large blue section are showing their interest, but you don't like them
* You like the men in the red section outside of the blue area, but they have not read God's memo about you.

That only leaves the men in the middle where there is mutual attraction (my favorite group). These are men that ask you out. They get your number and actually call it. Simply put, they "holla".

Without getting confused with emotions. You can easily look at these dudes and choose a great husband. These men are not married, you like them, they like you too, now here’s the bigger question...which one of them share my values? Come back next week and find out what you should be asking as you get to know these brothers.

-James and Kanika
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How sistahs can truly "Find" Morris, Part 1

(Reading time: 2:00 minutes)

Here’s the deal and you know it’s true. Many "sistahs" are often wrapped up into this one guy. Maybe he’s the dude from college that she just loved so much, complete with soul-ties and all. Other times he’s this great guy, handsome successful, and committed in year one, two, a promise in year three and year four…ahem…all without a ring. Sound familiar?

What if you could discover a way to "find" the Morris for you without having to put up with “Mr. Can’t Commit?” Interested? If you’re a woman who desires to marry God’s choice, take a look at the crude little chart and read on.

The circle represents all of the unmarried men. As Christians, we are gonna believe and pray that all that read this are NOT dating married men. Amen. Of the unmarried men, the blue section represents the men around you that are trying to "Holler" (as we say in the South). Holler of course means a man that is asking you out, or coming on to you. These men are the nice guys who ask for your number, or for a dinner date, and yes this also includes the men who scream, "Hey shawty" at the gas station. Thank God for our men in the blue section.

Now the red section represents the men that you actually like. The key to this little exercise is simple. Notice that some of the "red men" are actually interested in you (inside the blue section), and some are not (outside of the blue section).

The challenge is that some sistahs are willing to pray for God to give them the man they are attracted to, even if that man is not coming on to them. They’ll stand on Psalms 37:4, “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart,” and ignore the very next verse, Psalms 37:5, “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." So what is an eligible Christian woman to do? Should you just accept whatever comes along? Well come back next week as we bring it all together.

~James and Kanika