Put a ring on it

Until I met my husband, I never understood men. I didn't understand what they liked, what motivated them or why the relationship, no matter how hard I tried would last no longer than a year. I knew that I was a nice girl, attractive, church going, faithful and family oriented. What guy wouldn't want to marry a woman that was educated, kind and knew how to throw down in the kitchen? Yet, with the hope of every new relationship came the dread that it would end before it began. Sometimes it was because he had a girlfriend that I didn't know about, other times because I didn't believe in sex before marriage, but the real reason was because he wanted somebody else. I thought something was wrong with me. Sadly, I was right. But it took a heartbreaking experience to show me how wrong I was.

I dated a man that was absolutely perfect on paper: Christian, family oriented, and educated with a stable career. Even though he lived in another town, we talked every day and saw each other on the weekends. He was single, never married, no kids and was very frugal with his money. Life was great with him, so it seemed. We were engaged within 8 months. The day we went ring shopping was my first warning. We went to one store and after talking to the sales woman he ordered the ring on credit with a full money-back guarantee. I didn't question it at first. I was just so happy to be "engaged." It would take 6 weeks to make it official. Little did I know that he had no intention of marrying me.

Within six weeks an old girlfriend showed up and he broke up with me. I was heartbroken.
"As hurtful as it was,
God allowed me to learn
a deep lesson about men."

They will sacrifice their lives for what they want. He wasn't willing to sacrifice for me, but he was willing to lay it all on the line for the desire of his heart. By the way, he ended up marring her. By not paying attention to his kind of giving, I committed myself to a man that was less than God's best for me.

It took almost five years of time with the Lord, allowing him to heal me from the inside out for my outlook on dating to change. So imagine my déjà vu the afternoon another young man guided me into a jewelry shop. I was petrified. I mean, what was he thinking? This man talked to the sales woman just as the other one had. He even asked me to try on a few for kicks. Yet, this moment was different. This man brokered the deal before my eyes sacrificing his very best to make me his wife. Although our love is bigger than the piece of jewelry I wear on my left finger, I find myself staring at it often. It's a constant reminder of how God exchanged my sorrow for joy. I know you want him to "put a ring on it", it just happened to me so trust me it does happen, there are good men out there. Don't use those butterfly's, or deep loving feelings to help you decide which one to choose. The man that is "the One" will put your Godly desires ahead of his own. He will sacrifice his best to marry you. Now let that man "put a ring on it!"

Kanika, is a writer and marketing professional with FindingMorris.com
Listen on Valentines Day for the next episode of findingmorris.com

Exclusive dating-How much are you worth?

Real talk. Quality time IS essential for dating Christians. This is where the search for compatibility is done. Most people would agree that people hold back some of who they are, making the search for compatibility tougher. This is one reason why society prescribes exclusive dating, or boyfriends & girlfriends as a system to learn, love, and discover the truth in the people we date. In theory, you are supposed to date one another exclusively, and meet each others family, and loved ones. The hope is that somewhere in the process of doing this, that a person will drop their guard long enough for you to see their true self. We are supposed to use these moments of clarity to choose whether or not we have compatibility or not. For the person who is living their lives for the Lord, there are a couple of major problems with this approach:

Intimacy. Intimacy is great, it's a gift from God. Some mild forms of it are even necessary when dating. The problem with intimacy and exclusive dating is that men often become aroused in intimacy with women, and women on the other hand begin to feel secure in intimacy with men. Ya'll stop me when i'm lying. So you take a women that is feeling all warm and secure, and a man that is aroused, and then you add the dynamic of "your my boyfriend" and what we get is what we see in the church today; men and women exploring sex in all it's forms before marriage.

Timing. Another problem with exclusive dating is that many people dating this way in the church discover that the person they dated, sometimes for years, is not going to be their spouse. Now here is the thing, during the time a woman is a man's boyfriend, she doesn't know that man is NOT her husband, but God does. So being the good and righteous God that he is, he sends good men, Godly men your way. Now the woman calls it bad timing, because she has a boyfriend. We can only imagine God's perspective as he tried to bless her, but she was unavailable.

"We all know that in every case but one, exclusive dating concludes with a break - up" ,the exception of course being marriage. Seeing that marriage is what dating Christians ultimately seek, why not make marriage the centerpiece of dating, without all the ties? In the Bible, exclusivity before marriage was granted with a price. When Jacob told Laban that he wanted to marry his daughter Rachel, they agreed on a price before she was set-aside for him. Today, with our boyfriend and girlfriend culture, exclusivity costs nothing and is given freely therefore it means next to nothing, especially to men. It is Biblical for a man to collect his savings, buy a diamond and offer it to a woman as a sacrifice and a promise to marry her. No matter what our society says, the Bible does NOT support the process of women setting themselves aside exclusively before a sacrificial offering has been made. Imagine Jacob asking Laban to marry Rachel without a sacrificial demonstration of his love. Jacob worked 7 years for the hand of Rachel. How much are you worth?

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com, an online singles ministry radio program that is available 24/7

The next live taping is Saturday January 31st, 2009

Where is he taking you?

(Updated Wed 12-17-2008)

Where is he taking you exactly?

How would you describe a woman that would get into a car with a man that she doesn't know? My caribbean grandmother would call such a woman a "damn foolish good-for-nuthin gal." Thank God for Jesus and grace, so I'll just call her unwise.

Remember when our parents drilled into our heads, “don’t get into cars with strangers.” Somehow we’ve forgotten the wisdom of that lesson. Just because we’re adults we think it’s socially okay to get into the car with a virtual stranger on a date. In fact, when a guy asks out a woman, he usually offers her fun, a good time without any stated final destination. Fun can be dinner and dancing, a movie or a play, but to what end, and to what destination?

A wise sister knows the man that she’s getting a car ride from. She has done her homework, observed his relationship with God and knows how he treats other people, especially women. Sister’s are too often swayed by the promise of marriage by single brothers in the church who sit in the front row on Sunday morning, only to want to drive them to a motel afterwards. What would happen if sisters in the church found out if the man was actually marriage material before going out? What would happen if a woman knew the destination of the relationship, before the first date?

The shameful truth is that a man should share his vision for the relationship at the very beginning of the dating process. Sadly, many of us don't. Since many of us come up short in this area, it's important to protect your heart against disappointment by asking upfront, "Where are we going with this? Are you looking for a wife?” I know it’s a bold move, but it will save you a lot of time and heartache my “sistah.”

The kind of brother that you really want to be married to will tell you that he’s looking for a wife. The players will treat you like your overreacting, or dangle the bait with this classic line, “Well, I’m looking to get married someday.” By the way, that line kept a sister I dated in check for years.

Now I know some women are reading this saying “What he’s saying is crazy!” After all you don’t want to run him away. But if you have the courage to believe that God wants you to have a husband who is into you and no one else, loves you unconditionally, and supports every dream you have, you won’t get inside a stranger’s car (if he has a car) for dinner dates, movie dates, and family visits. You won’t allow yourself to meander through the relationship without a clear vision of his intentions.

If you have found yourself in his car, wondering; hey, where are you taking me, what are your plans for this relationship? Don’t be afraid to assert yourself and get him to “make it plain” for you. If you don’t, you may think he's driving you towards marriage, only to find he has intentions to stop-off at a motel. Avoid all of this, trust the Holy Ghost to guide you, and simply ask they guy you’re dating, “Where are you taking me?”

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com an online singles ministry radio program

Looking for a wife

Looking for a wife...
Hey all,
Ya'll know by now i'm recently married. My single male friends would love to know that there are so many well intention women of God around. You know what my friends find rare and precious when looking for a wife? A woman that is available, that is available emotionally, spiritually, and after marriage sexually. To my friends emotional availability looks like a woman with a sound mind, that is NOT emotionally connected to that guy from college or the ex-boyfriend that wont pop the question. Spiritual availability looks like a woman that loves God more than a man, a woman that honors God by living her life by His word. Sexual availability to my friends looks like a woman that is keeping her self for her husband to be. As you can imagine my boys are all desperately seeking the woman who upholds the sexual standard of God. Hallelujah and Amen :-)
Women who work those three things for God, will end up in the "FAV Five" of a man sooner. If your Boaz is anything like my friends, he will see you as set apart from all the other women here in Atlanta, and the fabled 11 to 1 odds wont mean a thing. The favor of God ain't fare.

-James is the host of FindingMorris.com an online singles ministry radio program

Lustful thoughts

Da video is HOT! I cant take anything away from it.
My brothers please know this. When we say that we have a thought of some woman that is NOT our wife, and it's a sexual thought, that right there is what God calls sin. In the video he says at "this" point there has been no sin (committed)
... WHAT??? I believe that he and God disagree on this point. Let's be real men of God, like for real, and own our crap by judging ourselves. We know God says in his word that whosoever thinks of a woman with lust has already committed adultery. So as a God's men lets stop looking at women "like that", repent, and NOT give those thoughts the glory.

My brothers God made women beautiful so recognizing their beauty is a good thing, but let God set the standard of what going too far is when we look. We have got to stop giving each other props when one of us is lusting over some woman
-James
James is the host of Fining Morris a online singles ministry radio program. Available now! 24 hours a day at:
http://findingmorris.com